Let's Not Play

In 2018, I ran a video game fan-blog, where they PayPaled me $12 to explain how pixelated penises don’t work:

Jacob Seed, a “dragon”-level antagonist of the first-person shooter game Far Cry 5 (Ubisoft Montreal/Toronto; 2018) is fanonically 47 years old, w/ all the stressors entailed to AAA game villainy. He is a Gulf War veteran and you can’t fuck him. You can’t write a 438-word drabble on AO3 about how this grizzled Marine would take your 21-year-old Original Character on a Rated-M-for-Mature sex-marathon. He’d die! First, Operation Desert Storm probably fucked up his lungs and maybe his foreskin! Moreover, he doesn’t actually have lungs, or foreskin, or testosterone because he’s fictional, and so is his penis. In the annals of an overworked Québécois programmer’s desktop server, “Model Object #JAC303 for Erectile Function” was never on the office Trello board. They paid no one to render Jacob Seed’s dick, so it doesn’t exist.

Nothing is there. Not just Ken Doll “nothing;” Nothing-nothing. You undo his belt and his character model vivisects. A transparent diaper in its wake. His skeleton wasn’t motion-captured for love. It was made to twist, and shoot, and shout, and succumb to (not suck off) your avatar in a mountainside sniper fight. He was not made for mountainside embraces.

At this point, you might be saying, “Original Poster, a Potent Checkpoint is not a prerequisite for a High Score, If You Know What I Am Saying.” I do. I’m not naïve. I know where cogs go to grind. But Jacob Seed is mean. As mean as a video game villain who is almost 50 years old can be. Even if he could fuck, he would not. Not with a fox, not in your box, not in a house, and not with your mouse. Not with you. Drop the console. Stop being horny. I’m begging you.

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It's easier for Christine H. Tran to just say she lives in Toronto, where she will do her PhD.